At first, the answers were terrifying. “I don’t know” was the reply to almost everything. But slowly, softly, preferences emerged. A love for rainy afternoons and thick sweaters. A distaste for small talk that drains my soul. A weird, nerdy passion for the way light hits water.
That’s the first breath of IFM.
I felt fragments. I felt anxiety. I felt exhaustion. I felt a desperate need to be liked. But I did not feel myself . That specific, grounded sense of "oh, right, this is me" was missing. In its place was a collage of other people’s expectations, preferences, and emotional weather patterns. Finding yourself isn’t a treasure hunt. It’s an archaeological dig. You have to brush away the dirt of “shoulds”—you should be happier, thinner, more productive, more outgoing, more settled. You have to trowel past the layers of old hurt and other people’s opinions. i feel myself ifm
It’s the Sunday afternoon where you don’t feel the urge to perform for anyone. It’s laughing at your own joke even when no one else is around. It’s realizing you don’t actually like a band you’ve pretended to love for three years. It’s putting your phone down mid-scroll because you have a thought, and for once, you want to hear it. There was a season of my life where I was a brilliant mimic. I could mirror energy, match vibes, absorb the personality of whoever I was with. I was a social chameleon, but the problem with chameleons is that eventually, you forget what color you actually are. At first, the answers were terrifying
*— j.